So my night started like most others …. Playing on my computer and watching television at the same time. Lately I had been tired and worn out. I thought it was due to me being a little out of shape (isn’t round a shape?), and I needed to get back into shape to get the TROT team training done.
Feeling tired I decided to go to bed and salvage the rest of my night then go to work in the morning. Funny it always starts out that way; we think things are fine when they are a little out of whack. My night was closing and I needed to rest for work in the morning. However, sleep would not come for me any time soon.
It all started when I lay down, I could not get comfortable. My upper body felt like it was very weak and lacked any strength. I struggled to use my arms to toss and turn and find a comfortable position to rest. It was like they were jello and disconnected from my body… useless. They were so useless that I found myself struggling to breathe and getting winded from the exertion I was forcing them to do. After 30 minutes of this I finally got into a semi-comfortable position and tried to regain my breath. Then I lay there, trying not to move, worried of not having the breath or strength to change positions again. This was pathetic.
An hour went by, and my wife came to bed, quietly and cautiously, not wanting to accidently wake me. I always tell her to be careful when I have to work the next morning, as getting back to sleep is hard after being waked. There I lay, still trying not to move at all. Scared of moving in my own bed. Afraid that I will get winded again and then have to start getting comfortable again. Why was I so out of shape tonight? Tonight of all nights, shift was in a few hours, and I enjoy the company of the crew I am with. This sucks.
Around 2 AM and I am finally able to sleep … the last time I remember seeing on my clock was 2:16. Sleep was almost as tough as being awake. I kept having the same nightmare, I was having a medical problem and no one was around to hear me cry for help, no matter how loud I yelled. Over and over again I had this dream. An eternity was spent seeing this dream play out time and time again. It was getting harder to capture my breath. The most natural act of the human body and it was difficult to do. Was I dreaming, or was I awake? Where did the pain come from and where did it go… is it really there?
Finally I figured it out. An eternity was a blink of the eye and I was in pain. Not the pain I got when I broke my hand or burned my arm. This pain was different, foreign. I sat up quickly as I struggled to catch my breath. I was suffocating, yet I was awake and sitting up, unencumbered of anything near my mouth and nose. Yet, I was not able to draw in deep breaths, and the pain was searing. My arms felt like sludge just hanging at my sides. I fought to use them to get up out of bed; I can’t wake my wife as that would be rude for potentially nothing, so I exited the bed and made my way downstairs. I was dizzy, not in control, scared. Nothing used to scare me before this night. This was turning into a surreal dream. What was happening to me? I look at the clock ... 4:01 am.
So as I struggled to breathe and walk, I started thinking of the cause of my breathing problems. We bought bug traps that killed all the flying gnats in the house. We used two of them when the directions said to use one. That had to be the source of my breathing problems. I had to check my wife and make sure she was okay. So I made my way up the stairs. I felt her back and felt her chest rise and fall. She was asleep and fine, maybe her lungs were healthier than mine. The rabbit … I had to check the rabbit. Maybe I got the breathing problems because I have lung problems to begin with. The rabbit would tell me if this was the problem, maybe like the canary in the caves. Darn thing was alive and shocked that I woke it, startling me. It had to be the bug things; the rabbit must have better lungs as well. So I took the bug things and placed them out the back door. Now for fresh air, relief, maybe I can get back to sleep now. So, I lay down on the love seat, cramped but there. My breathing was getting worse. The pain in my chest was immense. The room was fading from view. Why was this still going on…? I took the damn traps outside and it should be good now. I tossed, I turned, I stretched and curled up. No luck getting comfortable. I can’t breathe. I can’t use my arms… was my right arm even there? I can’t feel it. It is numb and I cannot move it. My neck is starting to cramp. Maybe I am in a bad position, got to change position. Then I got nauseous, great, just what I need right now. This night just went from bad to worse as I started placing all the pieces together. I stopped for a second, added everything up. Numbness down an arm, neck pain and tingling, a feeling like an elephant was seated upon my chest, pain going into my upper back, breathing problems and now nausea… I am having a heart attack.
I am now in panic mode. I am 40 and apparently having some severe problems. I scramble for clothes and shoes. Not thinking straight, I actually put on my work clothes with the thought I would be a few hours and cleared to go into work. Took awhile to find everything because I was in a haze to what was going on. Got to wake the wife now, I need to get to the hospital. I need to get my heart looked at. I walk into the room and yell her name; one time is all it takes. She gets up and I tell her I have a serious problem going on. I stumble down the stairs again and get out the door and into the van. I cannot sit still. I can find no comfortable position. I hope she drives fast.
At the hospital I get into triage and start telling my story … “story”, funny word to describe what was going on, 16+ years on the fire department and running squad calls made me call everything a “story”. It was the patients’ “story” of what they could not explain, now MY “story”. Describe the pain I am asked… it is like a huge fat person is sitting on my chest. I can’t move air I say. I can describe lots of things, but not this pain. Rate it on a scale ….. One hundred I replied … I can’t breathe. In my mind I am screaming for them to move quicker. The Law of Relativity hits me square in the nose. Hold onto a hot plate and a minute seems like an hour, hold onto a hot girl and an hour seems like a minute (thanks Deep Blue Sea for that saying). They are hurrying; it just does not seem like it to me. I am afraid; do NOT lay me back for I will stop breathing. I know I have to tolerate the oxygen they are applying, though I feel smothered. I need it now more than ever. Lay still for the EKG, are you kidding? I can’t stop shaking. I am scared, what about my family? Will I see my kids again? What about my wife ….. Will she have to watch me take my last breath? What was the last thing I said to them? I can’t remember. I hope it was that I loved them.
Now I am in the room …. Eight …. Room eight. Things are getting hectic. I know the drill… I told many people what was going to happen in the room. Now it is different. I am trying to remember what all will happen to me now. Monitor is on ….. Oxygen … IV access, wait, 2 of them. Please stick me right the first time Paramedic Paul …. I am in enough pain. Crap, how many times did I not care about the stick on my patients? The pain is getting worse. Can it really get worse? It was at a hundred … my chest feels like it is ready to explode. Baby aspirin, nitro … do you want Morphine? What are you allergic to? How many times was I asked all these questions? I know it is important to know and to always ask, but now I see how annoying I must have been in the back of the squad or in a patients home. I wanted the pain to go away and the questions kept getting asked. Why are there so many questions? I understand why … but why now when I need to get looked at?
Another EKG … enzyme levels are going up … the EKG looks different … I was having a heart attack right there… in room eight. Room eight… was this where I was going to die this morning… in room eight?
Time to go to the cath lab ….. Time to see what in the world is going on in my heart. Wake the team and get them in … how many nights did the citizens wake me over the years? Man is it cold in there. I cannot stop shaking. Relax I am told …. Really? Seriously? I could relax if say… the heat was on. Now it is time to get prepped for the procedure. I get shaved. Man did that tickle. Relax!? …… it TICKLES!!! Try relaxing when someone is tickling you …. Was that easy?
Then they need to scrub the area… blue. Really, blue as a smurf. I now have smurf colored privates and thighs. Okay, I can relax to that thought … I got smurf balls. Even the nurse and tech laughed at that.
Here comes the doctor … I am still in pain. Lots of pain… and visions of my smurf balls. Doctor Sabe … wonder if he watched smurfs at all …
The questions start again … allergies, pain scale, smurf balls?? Morphine kicked in. Took the edge off the pain, but the pain was still there letting me know who was the boss of the moment. Still could not describe it, other than it hurts.
Then the doctor sees what he needed to see. A 99% blockage of my blood vessel on the right side of the heart. This sucks. The balloon was in (and yes I could actually feel a flutter in my heart), then the stent. Then the pain scale was manageable. I could describe the pain finally … gone.
Off to the floor, CCU room 14. I will live to fight another day … 14 is a nice number. Meeting the doctor, Iqbal, and learning that I had a good one right in Room Eight … room eight. I will never look at room eight the same way. That was close. Then my nurse Chris gives me the bad news …. Do not move my leg for 4 hours. Are you nuts? That is as bad as the pain. Then I get to sit up. This and a hot meal offer some relief from the cramping I got from laying there not moving. At least Chris has a good sense of humor and likes to laugh.
Finally I get to get up and walk. My new runway is a little longer than the walks I take around the truck in the station when I get bored. The station… I will get to see it again. I am relieved that my outcome was good. I would not want to put the department through another funeral for an active brother. I do not think I would be missed as much as our fallen brother Marty was, but it would be hard on the moral of the department all the same. Why did I not go to get my heart checked?
Good question to finally answer … I was afraid of what would be found. Looking back, that was a stupid reason I used for all these years.
Kim takes over for a little bit as my nurse. Not long enough to see if she has a good sense of humor or not. I am sure she does as everyone else I have met on the floor are always smiling and laughing amongst each other.
Time for the night shift here, time to relax with my new lease on life. A new Chris is now my nurse …. He is pretty cool and makes the night more relaxing.
Night time in CCU … only thing to do is reflect upon what happened. What did happen, I am still numb as to what actually happened to me. I have an IV going in one arm, heart monitor hooked up and have to urinate every 15 minutes. It is quiet here except for the sound of my machines. Time to figure out how I ended up in this predicament. Oh yes, I actually know … just want to see if I can think of any other reason than the obvious. Why did I not go and get my heart checked before. What was the big deal for me?
Well it is now morning, new nurse and lots of tests today. I got a new EKG done, had them look at my heart through the ultrasound. Then my new nurse took over and went through everything she has to. Sandy I think … I forget already. She is nice and expects for me to be no trouble for her. She apparently did not listen to Chris, he should have warned her. Sandy was her name, I was correct for once on my memory.
My chest hurts a little today; they say that is normal after a heart attack. It is scary though, I know what will happen if it gets worse, and I don’t like the process. I am hoping for more visitors today. Yesterday several firefighters visited including the chief and my Battalion chief. I was grateful to see them and to talk for the brief period that they were there. Wil and Mark … plus the chiefs and some friends... I told my story numerous times, and cautioned them all to get their hearts checked. Too many firefighters are having too many excuses to not do this. I know that all too well, I was one of them.
I am told I have several other tests to go through today. Sounds fun to an extent. I really need a shower, but cannot get the cath site wet for a few more hours. So I will smell a little for visitors. Oh well, I will wash up when my wife gets here with my toiletries for me to clean up a bit. At least I have the internet to keep me company and this to keep my mind active until she arrives.
She is here now and I am able to clean up a little. Got into a new gown and pants the hospital provides. I am glad she is here. Having her beside me throughout this ordeal has helped a lot. Her and my two youngest bought me Mylar balloons. I guess I never thought how such a small act can cheer one up. The two youngest were here for a little bit, they tried not to look worried, but I could tell they were. How do you tell them you are okay when you have all these tubes sticking out of you.
I think I have urinated more than they put in me. Renal functions are good, but I have to catch it all for them to measure my output. My feet are cold. These little non-slip booties are not enough against the cold tile of my room and the hallway. I hate having cold feet, anything but the feet. Should I lay down, or type more … when is my next test … is anyone going to drop in today? Nothing to do but to think of things. Lots of visitors today. Mark, Steve, Tim, Jason and Justin to name a few. Along with the phone calls, texts and IM’s online. Everyone has one thing in common; they cannot believe I had a heart attack.
Ordering from the Room Service is fun. The portions are not geared for a 40 year old, but rather a 60 year old. I learned to order 3 orders of broccoli to get my fill of them. Too bad I leave soon, I just learned how to order.
So Sandy left and, now, Becky is here as a fill in for a friend. Kind of like the department. She, like all the others, is very friendly and laughs well with the funny things in this note. It is actually helpful to have them here to keep me from wondering the possible scenario of what if.
My blood pressure has been steady and pulse good. They have me off of everything except my new medicines. I am still peeing more than I am taking in, but that is to be expected (I hope). My last night is coming into view here in the room. I am looking forward to getting home to my family. Though most of my kids visited me, I miss them and my wife after thinking how close I was to not being here. I have to step back and think how I am going to change what I need to change to live. I have to cut back on my chew then stop it all together. I have to scale back on my eating of the bad things in life. I must get more cardio in each week than what I am currently doing. These things could have prevented the heart attack if I started them when my dad had his heart attack that made him leave the department in 96.
I must have been bad because I now have 2 nurses. Kristi and Heather, they seem nice and have the same smile everyone else has had since I got here. A few more hours and I will get to go home. I will then have to start keeping track of my days of recovery. As a final goodbye from Sandy she pulled off the covering from my cath site. Pain and agony followed as I was Brazilian Bikini Waxed by this nurse. I think she was laughing …
I have to be up early for my final set of blood draws and my final EKG. I will write more tomorrow.
Well, as my luck would have it I never got my blood drawn. My new nurse Angie was not warned about me … she is going to have her hands full; I just want to go home. Tonya, the nurse’s aide is back today. Smiling and ready to help me out, but she cannot get me home. Got my blood pressure taken, pulse and temperature read, I guess I am good, but still not released. I never got any tests done when I was supposed to, possibly a good sign for me.
Angie smiles a lot and is very friendly, that is a bonus when my intentions are to get home to my family.
Another person came in and introduced himself as a brother firefighters step father. I was very happy to sit down with him and chat a little. Jackie … usually when I talk to others I would joke around and say “sorry to hear that you are related to him”, however, this made me realize that I should just speak what is really on my mind. You can ask him what was said. I got a few visitors so far while waiting for the doc to release me, Andy, Chris and Dan … it was good to see them. Hopefully I get out soon. Kevin, Chris and Phil dropped in as well. Phil, Truck 9 will not be open due to me. Due to a patient in worse shape than I my doctor did not get called right away. Joscelyn ended up calling Sabe in to discharge me. So I got to finally go home.
The shower felt good, just getting all the nasties off me from my stay in the hospital. Brenda and I went to the store to fill my new prescriptions. Even with insurance these pills cost a good amount. No wonder we see patients all the time off of the medicines. Either buy them or food.
My first night at home I stood staring at my bed. A full 20 minutes just staring. This is where the pain started and I was a little apprehensive to get in. Finally I did and slept well. I am glad I did not wake Brenda while just standing there. Tomorrow is the first full day out and I am looking forward to figuring out what my new routine will include. In a few days I will be walking to get my heart fit. Then I will get back into the workouts.
