I responded to someone's post this morning about being an "expert" in failure. Something happend just a few moments ago that is forcingme to rethink this. The last few years I have learned to accept failure as a part of my life. I chalked it up as part of the "family curse". Amongst others that seem to be passed down. i have been learning to walk in the shadows and to accept that this is part of who I am, including failure.
My dad has failed in every buisness venture he has ever tried. I knew the real reason fo this was because of his desire not to be a sucessful buisness man but to simply escape from his current reality. I have also led the life of a gypsy and have felt the sting of failure on many occasions. Failure as a wife, failure as a daughter, failure as a friend, failure of being the rock. But my biggest failure was being a mother.
I was 17 when i had my oldest daughter. i was emancipated and on my own. I was in an abusive relationship which ended when my oldest was 6 months. I was determined to make something of myself so I could take care of her and I. i went back to school and graduated from Nursing School, but unable to find work afterwards in California. I went from one bad relationship to another. Nine years and two more children later, the marriage ended and my children and I had to make it on our own once again. At that point in my life, failure wasn't an option. We packed what little we could in the car and traveled from one side of the country to the other with nothing more then a hope and a determination of a beter life. It was a rough journey, but we made it. I often felt guilty because I never had the means to provide all of the material items they needed. Even now, I can't even afford the basics. But if there was one thing I always wanted for my children was to learn to never give up on themselves. To know that they are important and to never give up, EVER and i would never give up on them!
My theme has been to accept this, but I was one to never give up. I wouldn't accept failure. I didn't care what it took, but if I failed, then they would fail and I wasn' about to let that hapen. But the guilt has always eaten at me and this is the root of the failure.
My oldest daughter is now in collage and I couldn't be more proud. She asked me for my help on another assignment. The assignment was to write a paragraph of someone who has been a major rolemodel in your life, aside from a celebrity. So she wote about me. She wrote how my determnation and equality had inspiired her. The ability to keep pushing and never giving up and to never allow herself or anyone else to look down on her. This essay was very humbeling for me to read.
I realized that I never failed as a mother, in fact, I suceeded because i gave her the most essential tools that she will ever need to survivie in this life. I taught her how to endure. I taught her how to be strong. I taught her how to never take no for an answer. I taught her to love herself even when she felt noone else did. I taught her to never give up.
I never failed because she learned exacly what I wanted to teach her.
