I probably shouldn't write this note. This is probably one of those things that people should and usually keep to themselves, but as we all know, I am not a normal person. I am not stable, I am either high energy or deep in the dumps, and I don't talk or act like most people talk and act. It's probably one of the reasons why I have never been able to find love... but this note is not about love... at least not love in the human romantic way.
I am going to try to keep this short, because I could probably write a myriad of pages and go into all sorts of rants and tangents, but I will try not to. And YES! I am writing this because I enjoy people noticing me and I am an attention whore! Tell me something new! I've been an attention whore since I was born and I am actually kind of proud of it!
But on to the point. Yesterday was my 13th year, 3rd month, and 23rd day being a Christian. Many of you know already that I recently retired from going to Church. Well, I have come to the realization that I can no longer be a Christian. I don't like God. I believe in him, I even know him. But I don't like him. I find myself more and more angry at him than in love with him and I find his love falling short over and over again. I find my prayers, even the truly unselfish ones, coming more and more unanswered. I cannot worship him anymore. I don't want to be around him anymore. The hope that he boasts never brings the goal that was hoped for. God states that he is the same today, yesterday, and forever but he is EVERYTHING but the same. He ignores me. He plays with my emotions. And I would rather not be around him than hate him.
I am not saying that I am fully in the right. I am not so vain as to say that I am right and God is wrong. That would be insanity. But whatever the case may be, I no longer have the drive, the desire, or the determination to be able to continue on with the EXHAUSTION that is the Christian experience. I am CONSTANTLY exhausted by my former faith.
Maybe my life will not be better, maybe my life will be worse, but at least I won't have to pretend that everything is going to be okay, when it never is. Either I or God failed. I probably am the one who failed. But I am not going to hold it against myself anymore for being human and not being able to transcend and become the child of God that he wants me to be.
I do not hate God. I don't want to hate God. But I cannot pretend to be his follower, or his friend anymore. It is literally too hard, and something that is supposed to bring so much joy, and freedom, and rest should not be so hard that it ruins your life and causes you great amounts of distress.
I am writing this because when I first became a Christian one of the steps that you had to take was to publicly express your belief. The day I was baptized I stood in front of my church and expressed my belief and devotion to God, and I meant it with all of my heart and soul. So if I am going to end it, I thought ending it publicly would be the right thing to do.
I don't want to go to Hell. But is that a good enough reason to put on a fake smile and pretend that you actually like God? I don't think so anymore. Plus, if God truly does love me and truly does have mercy on me, maybe he will just forgive me and not write me out of his book of life.
I don't hate God. I hate my relationship with God and I hate how he hides himself from me. So I am no longer going to be apart of it to the point that if I ever do call myself a Christian again, I will need to be baptized again because my old baptism is null and void now.
Plus, Christians annoy the crap out of me. I have found that I align more with the rest of the world more and more since about 2006 when I was a sophomore in college. The world might not be "righteous" or "holy" or even "good" but I still find reasons to like it.
Anyways, this is me right now. Think what you want to think. I really don't care. I won't struggle to reach the heights of a faith that I have become more and more disillusioned with over the years. My time as a Christian has obviously not been all bad, and I truly do thank God for all that he has done for me. But, I still can't stand it anymore. It's too much. I give up. I quit.
Peace Out.
