Having marriage expectations is like kids opening their gifts on Christmas morning. Their heads are full of dreams, and the anticipation is almost as fun as opening the package. Not long after, reality sets in. A few dreams were not quite fulfilled, and the present that caused such a fever pitch of excitement is nearly forgotten. Take that illustration and multiply it by about 20, because you have had that many years to form your ideals of the perfect spouse and what your marriage will be like. Everyone has marital expectations, but you might not realize you do. Some expectations of marriage can be slippery, and will easily put you on the path toward divorce.
Slippery Myth #1: My marriage stinks, and I will just have to live with it.
Would you live with a painful medical condition if there was a remedy for it? Marriage may not live up to your ideals, but every marriage can be improved, and you do not have to wait for your mate. Sure, you might have to give up a few of your dreams about the perfect marriage, but with a lot of open and non-threatening communication, loving gestures and creative thinking, you can let your spouse know that you need more.
Slippery Myth #2: I should not expect my mate to change.
This is a “slippery” myth because it has some truth to it. You should stay away from potential mates who are incompatible or have warning signs plastered on their foreheads. But let us assume you are going or have gone into marriage knowing you made a great choice, fully aware of your mate’s little idiosyncracies.
Your mate will change, and so will you. Maybe your personalities will remain basically the same, but your behaviors will fluctuate.
You will both go through stages and seasons when you are not so nice; some days you will feel more needy than usual, less attentive, distracted, or downright neglectful. Your behaviors can change, for the good or bad, and a couple will work not to irritate each other with their behaviors in a good marriage. So forget about whining, “But I thought you loved me just the way I am!” That is just a red herring.
Slippery Myth #3: My mate should always meet all of my needs.
In the early years of a romance it is easy to believe you will always meet each other’s needs. Your every thought dwells on nothing else! You write love poems, spend hours snuggling on the couch, and jump up gladly to fetch a tissue at your loved one’s slightest sniffle. It is natural to think that this really good thing you have will always last, that you can live on love, and that it will always be effortless.
Your mate will not always meet all of your needs. You will come down from the palm-sweating, heady high of those early days of romance. That level of loving attention takes a lot of time and effort to maintain. You and your spouse will not always have feelings of romance about each other. The good news is that you can have a great, romantic, lasting marriage, but only if your expectations are realistic. We’re pretty sure expecting a nightly massage and breakfast in bed every morning is unrealistic. It might be unrealistic to expect your spouse to understand all of your emotions, or enjoy all of your hobbies. That’s where close relationships with friends and family comes in.
Slippery Myth #4: If my expectations are not met, my mate must not be the right one for me.
The truth about commitment is that f you are expecting the perfect mate, you will eventually be disappointed. That does not mean you should settle for anyone coming down the road and make do just for the sake of having a marriage.
Often this expectation is the most subtle, buried dream within everyone. We all want a fantastic mate and marriage. We want to have a soul mate to grow old with. Many of us wait for years searching for just the right person because we do not want to make the same mistakes our parents did. When the right person comes along, we are on our best behavior, overlook minor defects, and attribute qualities to Mr. Right that are not really there. No wonder so many of us wake up one day a few years down the road saying, “Who are you?"
So we get disappointed. So what? It does not mean a thing about the possibilities of your relationship.
Slippery Myth #5: Our marriage should be like John and Jane Doe on TV.
The danger of this expectation is that the commitment is threatened once you entertain notions that you might be happier with someone else. If you find your eyes and mind fishing for other possibilities, treat it like a red alert that you need to do something about your expectations.
Slippery Myth #6: Having expectations about my mate is bad.
If you have low expectations about your marriage, yet you have the potential for fulfilling higher expectations, your marriage will suffer, according to one study on marital expectations done by James McNulty, PhD, an Ohio State University assistant professor of psychology and psychologist Benjamin Karney, PhD, of the University of Florida. Based on their four-year research of 82 newly married couples, marriages did best when expectations matched the couple’s skills. Not surprisingly, those who went in to a marriage with high expectations without the ability to fulfill them were dissatisfied.
Surprisingly, those who went into marriage with low expectations, yet had higher capabilities, were equally disenchanted.
Having expectations about your mate or marriage is not bad; expectations can improve a marriage if you handle them the right way. Your expectations should be realistic based on you and your spouse.
Will the Realistic Expectations Please Raise Their Hands? Without exception, you should have these expectations of your marriage and mate:
Faithfulness – Marital fidelity is a given, but you should also present a unified front to the world. That means you protect your spouse’s honor, and back each other up in public (even if no agreement has been made…you can discuss it later).
Respect – Ridicule and demeaning speech and behavior should have no part of your relationship.
Friendship – Your mate should be your best friend in whom you can confide all of your deepest secrets.
Romance – Maybe it will seem to disappear every now and then, but then you’ll have the fun of getting it back again.
Conflict – You will argue, so be ready for it by learning conflict-resolution skills that go beyond the normal office problem-solving. In marriage you want to protect your love as much as possible, so remember that every argument saps its strength. Without anger, accusation or demands, ask your spouse for his or her feelings on the matter, and brainstorm for ideas that might work. If one of you has to sacrifice for the happiness of the other, the marriage is still suffering, so your goal is to find a satisfying answer for both.
Are you about to open the marital package and hoping you will not be disappointed? Or did the novelty of your package wear off a long time ago? The reality is that while we all have marital expectations, marriage takes consistent, daily effort. Keep all your cards face up on the table. Always be open, sharing and clear about what you are thinking, feeling and expecting. Then stay at it. No matter what your marriage expectations were, your relationship is worth the exertion.
Do You Fight Fair?
No relationship is perfect, and at some point you're going to have a confrontation with a coworker, neighbor or someone you love. Disagreements can be a way to respectfully voice your opinion and carefully consider the other person's thoughts - or they can be an all-out, name-calling fiasco. Is your fighting style fair or do your quarrels need a referee? Take this quiz to find out.
You will both go through stages and seasons when you are not so nice; some days you will feel more needy than usual, less attentive, distracted, or downright neglectful. Your behaviors can change, for the good or bad, and a couple will work not to irritate each other with their behaviors in a good marriage. So forget about whining, “But I thought you loved me just the way I am!” That is just a red herring.
The secret to true love is a quest that has spanned the ages. We are creatures of compassion and desire. We all want the same thing: to love and be loved in return. In fact, without passionate love, many of us feel as though we are missing part of our soul. It is an inescapable emotion drawing ties from the greatest love story of all time: Romeo and Juliet. Even Romeo and Juliet had their problems, however. Through it all, they were able to maintain the passionate love so many of us desire.
Long-lasting relationships and passionate love are built on a foundation of trust and commitment to the cause: love for one another. Problems arise, however, when communication fails, when daily troubles interfere and when there is little effort applied to the relationship. The saying that men are from Mars and women are from Venus certainly seems true much of the time. How do relationships work then? What is the glue that binds passionate love and romance together? How can you avoid the trap of settling for a relationship that has lost its spark?
Passion and true love are attainable. They are, in fact, dependent upon the choices made in the relationship. Often, love at first sight diminishes when he says the wrong thing at the wrong moment, leaves the toilet seat up, or fails to notice your new haircut. The problem with allowing love to fade at this point is that you did not fall in love with him because of these things.
You fell in love with the qualities you saw in him; his caring nature, his intimacy, his commitment to you.
You can choose to let the passion ebb away, or you can be proactive in keeping it burning brightly. You know true passion and romance exist - you’ve heard the stories and read the books. Now make it happen for you.
The Laws of Attraction
Is he really your soul mate? Well, you thought so until he started doing things to irritate you. What are you focusing on in the relationship? If the relationship is worth keeping and if you really love him, it’s time to start focusing on what you really want. Tell him what bothers you then focus on and point out what makes you happy, turns you on and propels your relationship forward.
Invest Yourself
Passionate love takes work. In the beginning, it was easy to keep the fire blazing. It’s a fact of life, though, that daily living also takes work. The demands of jobs, family, a home, bills and so forth will often start to take the wheel and you soon find your passion riding in the back. It’s at this point that all of his annoying habits start to scream at you from the backseat. You need to commit to making your love a priority. Slow down, talk to your partner and find the time to love one another before your initial investment in the relationship veers off the side of the road and you’ve forgotten what you saw in him in the first place.
Take time every morning to say “I love you.” Kiss him when he comes home.
Tell Him You Love Him
Let’s face it. Everyone wants to feel loved and appreciated. He may not say he needs to hear it and he may not respond the way you wish he would (especially if the game is on), but he does need to hear it. Tell him you love him. Remind him why you are with him.
Don’t Give Orders or Criticize
No one likes to feel like a slave in their relationship. Relax a bit. The dishes will get done. The lawn will get mowed and the trash will be taken out. If you feel something needs to be done, ask him. Don’t tell him to do something. Likewise, if you feel something was done incorrectly, try to hold your tongue or at the very least, voice your disapproval in a non-confrontational way. And remember to show your appreciation for things that please you. Thank him.
Share Your Feelings
The fastest way create distance in your relationship is to keep all of your feelings bottled up inside. No one is a mind reader; if something bothers you or pleases you, tell him! Get those problems out in the open over a romantic dinner or an evening stroll.
Go On a Date
Call his favorite restaurant and surprise him when he comes home. This may mean you go to his sport’s dugout. Let him know that you did this for him because you love him and want to make him happy.
He needs to see that you are willing to make small sacrifices for him. Call a sitter and go alone. Leave the kids and your cell phone at home.
Do Something Unexpected
This can be as simple as telling him you want to watch the sunset over the lake or as extravagant as planning a weekend away. Go skiing, go on a bike ride, wash his car, or greet him in your birthday suit when he comes home. Keep him guessing about what exciting things he can expect from you.
Send Him a Love Note
What better way to keep your passion burning than to tuck a little note in his lunch sack or place it on the seat of his car so he sees it when he leaves in the morning. A small reminder of your love will certainly make him smile and will remind him that you value the same things in your relationship.
Call Him at Work
If possible, take a minute to ring him up and just say “I was thinking of you.” Too often, the pressures of life demand phone calls asking for a quick stop at the store, an explanation of an unexpected bill, or trouble at home. He’d appreciate a call once in a while that won’t tax his day any further.
Buy Some Sexy Lingerie
Sexy lingerie really does not get the credit it deserves. After time has passed in a relationship, it’s easy to fall into the “slovenly” mode.
The drab clothing and practical undergarments do little to keep passion and desire from becoming smoldering remains of what you once had. Sometimes a bit of sexy lingerie can really spice up a flagging passion. Invest a bit in some pretty things and don’t be self-conscious.
Buy Some Candles
Candles are far more effective in creating a romantic atmosphere than traditional lighting. Make a nice dinner, send the kids to Grandma’s house and light the house with nothing but scented candles. Enjoy a romantic getaway in the privacy of your own home. And then, when the meal is over and the candles burn down, suggest a stroll to the bedroom (or the couch, floor, or his favorite lounge chair!).
Be Unreserved
One of the best ways to keep that passion and fire flaming hot is to be completely unreserved. Fear of his response often convinces many women that to try will result in failure or ridicule. It’s highly unlikely that if you greet him naked he will refuse you. Try it. Suggest a different position or a new location. Wear a skirt with nothing underneath and let him know. Tell him you want him. Touch him. Purchase scented oil and offer a sensual massage. Whisper an invitation to meet you in a room in the house. This can be really exciting if you whisper in his ear in a public place.
Be Spontaneous
Passionate love can and will fall into a rut if allowed. Spice it up by being spontaneous.
There’s no need to plan romance for every Saturday night. On Monday, plan a date, a massage with scented candles and a romantic movie night snuggling in bed. Keep things unpredictable and the romance will stay alive.
Tell Him What You Want
Again, he can’t read your mind. Tell him what you need in your relationship and in the bedroom. Remind him that you need to hear him tell you that he loves you. In the bedroom, be specific. Let him know what pleases you and what doesn’t.
Have a Secret Sign
When out in public or with friends, you can create a very intimate moment with your partner by having a secret sign. It can be anything, but it should only be between you two. Look at him and touch the spot over your heart to let him know you love him. When walking together, slide your thumb over his palm to let him know that tonight, when you get home, you’ve got something special planned for him.
Whatever you arrange, it is sure to keep the passion and love strong and remind him that you are truly invested in making the relationship work.
Is He Your Soulmate?
The word "soulmate" often conjures mystical visions of astrology, reincarnation and destiny. But you don't have to believe in the supernatural to know whether the man in your life ignites your passions, shares your worldview and connects with you like no other person. How does your guy rate as a soulmate?" Take this soul mate quiz.
Do you bite your fingernails? Pick at your hair? While these habits are annoying in nature and unnerving to others, they won’t ruin your relationship. But secretly spending and not fighting fair can – and probably will. Read on for 10 bad habits that can hurt your marriage…
Breaking a bad habit can take days, months, even years. But your marriage can’t wait that long. The Ventura County Wedding Minister explains 10 bad habits that add strife to your marriage and offers advice on tempering them before your “happily ever after” turns into never:
1. Not having sex
According to a 2003 Newsweek study, between 15% and 20% of couples are living in a sexless marriage, where couples make love no more than 10 times a year. While sex is not the be-all, end-all to a marriage, it’s one of the best ways to maintain intimacy. And when sex becomes a distant memory, your intimacy takes a severe hit.
While physical issues like hormonal changes, stress and fatigue may not put you in the mood, some of the problem has to do with your attitude. “You need to feel good about each other to be intimate,” The Ventura County Wedding Minister says. “If you constantly fight, criticize and spout negativity, you won't be able to be close.”
Get rid of the resentment and just do it already, even if you’re not feeling frisky. Learn how to transition from handling the mundane tasks of life to frolicking in the bedroom. “Sex in a long-term marriage is different from dating, honeymoon or newlywed sex,” The Ventura County Wedding Minister says. “You need to learn how to make it easy to get there.” (See related article: 4 Ways to Save Your Sexless Marriage)
2. Letting yourself go
Life happens – aging, pregnancy, illness, weight gain. You’re not going to look the way you did when you first met your spouse. Fortunately, “in deepening love, the exterior gets less important, and the interior is what we’re focused on,” The Ventura County Wedding Minister says. However, whether you like it or not, your spouse does care what you look like now, just as you still want to be attracted to him.
It doesn’t hurt to put in a little extra effort to look nice for your hubby. Sometimes even a small change can make a big impact – resisting the urge to put on ratty sweats as soon as you get home, wearing a cute outfit instead of frumpy jeans for a night out, actually wearing some of the “sexy” lingerie you’ve bought. Or make the commitment to exercise several times a week, which can, in turn, inspire your husband to break a sweat with you.
Do what’s in your power to keep the physical attraction alive. Not only is it good for your marriage, it will boost your health and self-confidence, too.
3. Spending too much time with the in-laws
That includes spilling private information to your family about your husband or marriage, or siding with them over him. These can all potentially hurt your marriage if your spouse feels like he comes second to your family.
While many people are close with their parents and siblings, it’s a good idea to draw a line when it comes to your priorities. When you get married, you’re starting your own family – and they come first.
The Ventura County Wedding Minister points out that it may be an issue of your upbringing. “If your partner is unhappy with how you’re relating to your family, it probably means you come from different style families, and you need to talk about that and make some agreements,” he says. “It’s a growing up issue, as well as a partnership issue.” First and foremost, your loyalty lies with your marriage. It’s not okay to gossip or betray your spouse… even to your family.
4. Spending too much time with friends, work, hobbies Having a life and interests apart from your husband is important, but not having your priorities straight can wreak havoc on your marriage. Maybe you’re using your friends or job as a welcome distraction from your spouse. Or maybe you simply enjoy your job or hobbies that much.
But have you ever thought you might be making your spouse feel like a second fiddle? He may be dropping hints about how he wishes you were around more… or not saying anything for fear of rocking the boat. The bottom line is that you don’t want to make your spouse feel alienated, rejected or disconnected from the marriage. Nothing is more important than the one you love.
“You need to do what works,” The Ventura County Wedding Minister says, “and the only people who can determine that are you and your spouse. Together.”
5. Not consulting your partner about purchases
According to a 2007 PayPal survey, 37% of couples fight more about money than household chores or sex, and 82% of respondents say they have hidden purchases from their partner. While not telling your husband about a new shirt you bought doesn’t spell disaster for your marriage, omitting large purchases or other major money commitments does.
Not only will it cause anger and bitterness, but bad money habits can compromise the financial security of your family’s future. Marriage is a partnership in every sense of the word. The Ventura County Wedding Minister recommends talking about how money will be handled – bank accounts, bill paying, debt, savings, investments – before getting hitched.
“Remember, if you can’t talk amiably about money and make joint decisions about it, your marriage doesn’t have a good chance,” The Ventura County Wedding Minister says. (See related article: The Marital Money Pits)
6. Forgetting the smaller gestures
Those everyday signs of affection are what keep intimacy and romance alive. Yet many couples fail to remember to do them. “Spread as much sweetness around as possible,” The Ventura County Wedding Minister says.
Kiss him when he walks in the door; ask him if he needs anything while you’re up; surprise him with a small gift (it doesn’t have to be expensive); touch his arm or leg when sitting next to him; say thank you when he does something for you, no matter how big or small. These sweet gestures are just as important, if not more, than when you were dating.
7. Criticizing and nagging endlessly
Finding fault with people – especially our loved ones – is easy. So is getting into the habit of mercilessly criticizing your partner. While your husband may joke about his nagging wife to his friends, he’s probably not finding it funny on the inside.
“If you allow yourself to be subject to constant criticism from your spouse, your well-being and confidence will suffer,” The Ventura County Wedding Minister says.
You might think you’re offering gentle reminders or that you’re being justifiably critical, but the more you nag, the more he’ll tune you out. And that just makes you angrier. Stop this vicious cycle by treating your hubby as an equal. And remember, for the most part you knew the man you married when you got hitched; it’s unfair to now criticize him for being the man you chose to marry.
8. Always playing the victim
Never being at fault can be tiresome to a husband who isn’t always to blame either. “It’s difficult for everyone to take responsibility for bad behavior,” The Ventura County Wedding Minister says. Pointing the finger at someone else is easier and makes you feel better about yourself. Playing the victim is a control mechanism, and you use it when it suits you best.
The problem is that always playing the victim makes him feel like he’s constantly being punished, which is a quick way to make him lose trust and respect for you. You may also be making him feel like he’s doing everything wrong intentionally to hurt you when, in fact, that’s probably not true.
It’s time to fess up to your role in the problems you’re facing, apologize and make the necessary changes when appropriate. Once you give up the victim mentality, you’ll find yourself less stressed, angry and resentful… and your husband will be happier, too.
9. Sweating the small stuff
So he forgot to pick up your dry-cleaning or fix the broken fence like he promised. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love, respect and care about you. In a marriage, when so many things can and will go wrong, you have to sort out what is worth getting angry about. Many times we make a bigger deal over matters that we should be taking with a grain of salt.
“If you want to be right just to be right, you’re going to create problems and pain in your marriage,” The Ventura County Wedding Minister says. Pick and choose your battles wisely, or you’ll find yourself permanently on the battlefield. When something is bothering you, The Ventura County Wedding Minister recommends asking yourself how important it really is. Are there rational reasons why it’s so crucial?
If you reach the conclusion that you must hash out the issue, bring it up as soon as possible to avoid built-up resentment. And learn how to “fight fair.”
10. Not fighting fair
Arguing to solve an issue isn’t necessarily the bad habit. You’ll inevitably come across differences when it comes to finances, children and responsibilities of home and work. But the way you settle those differences can be hurtful and destructive. If you wonder why you’re unsuccessful in solving your problems, it could be because you’re not going about it with good intentions. If and when you have a disagreement, follow The Ventura County Wedding Minister’s “fighting fair” guidelines:
- Don’t try to be right; instead, try to solve the problem
- Consider your partner’s point of view
- Solve one problem at a time
- Don’t bring up past issues
- Avoid personal attacks and criticism
- Stay away from using power struggle tactics like guilt, threats and emotional blackmail
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