Nov 13th, 2005: the darkest, saddest day of my life...I lost my son at 19 days to meningitis after a five day battle.
From this one event, God has imparted such understanding and knowledge that He overwhelms me with love. Of course, this kind of learning I would never want even my worse enemy to go through.
Lesson 1: IN all things give thanks. Not FOR all things. How can I give thanks in this time of sorrow? I got blessed with an awesome son and 14 days of pure joy and love. It could have been less. The five days he fought taught me a lot about perseverance.
Lesson 2: The Peace that passes understanding. Why do I have peace in my heart so much now about so many things? IDK. LOL Yes, even on the anniversary of this day I can laugh with joy. Why? IDK. Its beyond my understanding, and yet I have it in such abundance.
Lesson 3: God understands our pain and loss. Now this one was the hardest lesson for me learn. How could God possibly understand? Jesus died, yes. But He rose again on the third day, so God didnt really loose Him. So how does God understand? Take it from a father who has other children...when you have to punish them, it really does hurt you more than them. And since God cant lie, those who die in their sins will be punished for eternity. This breaks Gods heart like you cant imagine. And when someone dies in their faith defending God, it hurts Him deeply also. When Lazarus died, Jesus wept.
Lesson4: Purified gold. How do you purify gold? Though fire. The longer and hotter the heat, the more impurities are removed. Sometimes you heat it and purify it to 10k, make some jewelry, then heat it some more and get 14k. You make some jewelry from that, then purify it more and so on.
Lesson 5: What really matters. Ive discovered that how we look at things really depends on what we feel matters most. When I first lost my son, all I could see what the hurt, pain and loss. Anger and hatred were in control. As time went on, I discovered what mattered more was the love and joy. Peace reutrned, along with wisdom and knowledge.
There are more lessons that I have learned over the past four years on my road back to a God centered life and He has prepared me in such a way that I would never have thought possible. And I would not trade one second I shared with my son for anything. Gods plan for our life is perfect...too bad we dont always follow it. Does He change His goal for us? No. But He does whatever it takes to try and keep us on that path. Did my son die because of something me or his mom did? I dont see it like that. I see it more like the blind man Jesus healed when He said it was for the glory of God. Would I be the man of God, the man for God today if He hadnt loved me enough to do what needed to be done? I doubt it very much.
Do I hate or blame God? I did, but I dont now. My son was, and still is, a blessing in my life. In the words of my hero, "The Lord has given, and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of The Lord." Praise God, from whom ALL blessings flow.
"The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, and the love of God, and the communion of the Holy Ghost, be with you all. Amen."
Blessings and blessed be
Rev Jeff