"That which God hath brought together, let no man put assunder..."
Those are some very famous words that all of us know very well. What not a lot of people are willing to say, though, is that when we marry people to be joined as one Soul, the last thing on anyone's mind is that that very lovely couple before us has as much chance to becoming the statistic which I did through being victimized by domestic violence.
While I will not sit here and let it be thought that I do not respect other peoples' beliefs, I have to stand up and say something when it comes to the idea that Biblically, women are meant to be controlled, and lots of the time, it is not the Bible which condones what happens to a newly married woman, but more, the husband who she chose to spend her life with manipulates what is there for his own benefit, and most of the time, his own benefit means that he will have his way, he will control her, and she had best do what he wants - OR ELSE!!
As Clergy, it is not only our responsibility to tell those intending to marry that there are certain things that Spirit expects of us, and we must remind them that jail is for real, that if either of them exhibits violence, makes threats of violence, does unseemly things to the other, they WILL end up in jail...VAWA is a real Law, and it applies to ALL of us who live within these United States.
We must care for those within our midst, far more than only making sure to it that all the proper signatures are in order, that the bride's dress is not going to somehow fall off of her as she walks away from the pulpit, a newly wedded person.
Marriage, we must tell them, is not child's play, that there is more to it than making sure that the wedding rocks! We must remind them that there are going to be disagreements, that there are going to be days that they will not want to talk to one another, and we MUST remind them that in a marriage, there is no such thing as one person is the boss, the other the employee, but that is how a whole lot of marriages work and it just is not okay. No more are the days that women are meant to be paraded around like show ponies, and more and more men are staying home with the kids while mom is out in the world slaying the dragons of life for her family...again, I know this - I Live this.
My fellow Clergy...please, do not assume that you do not have to remind your couples of this, because more and more these days domestic violence victims are younger and younger. I see it a whole lot with my own daughter and her friends, and of course, I am compelled to remind them that this is not the way that this life is intended to be - where they are perpetually victimized by people who they are meant to trust...
Love should not hurt, even though sometimes it does. Love is not violent, and in our society, we have become so very numb to the violence in the world that to see a woman wearing dark glasses at night is excused as her being "incognito." We can tell her to leave, but that places her in greater danger of dying than a whole lot else will...if you do not believe me, ask me, ask any abuse survivor how long it was before she knew she was safe after having gotten up and physically out of that situation...you are not safe just because you are away from the physical violence. These people - the abusers- know EVERYTHING about their victim and they have no problem wrecking their victims' lives in other ways than only hitting them.
I Know this. I Lived this. I still go through what I have to due to lousy credit and a long string of people who no longer will speak to me because I just figured I could split and at least be physically safe...and Iwas wrong there, too...please do not advise people to leave...you can get them killed.
I Promise you...no, that is not the reason why...no one can look cool getting in to their 2000 Toyota Camry in their baggy sweats, their matted hair and their shades which are not enough to hide the shame, the hurt, the fear and the anger...
Again, I Know this...I Lived this.
Please Kokua...Auhea Wale Ana 'Oe- Pay Attention...
Reverend Roxanne Cottell (Facebook's Reverend Roxie)
Southern California - The Sisterhood of The Soul
The Rev. Vel-Dannielle Gambrell ("The Reverend Gypsy")
Southern Louisiana - Kindredhood of the South