I don't know where to start. I am new to this today. Yesterday was the breaking point for me. I have lived my life always trying to please and do what's right, and for the last little while I have been feeling like someone else. My spunk is gone, my zest for life is gone. I can't find happiness anywhere I look. I seem to only see the negative in all things, and that's just not like me. Yesterday I expressed my feelings to a friend. Just simply stated that I didn't know if I could handle myself in an appropriate way and so if I felt that I was going to (for lack of a better word) throw a temper tantrum, then I would feel better to just leave. It's a long and complicated story as to how I got to that point, but Ill give you a quick run down. There is a person who has treated me badly, and I choose to not be around them. There was a possibility of that person coming to a BBQ I was attending yesterday. Well for the past 6 months I have choosin to be the bigger person, to just ignore the fact that they are there. Yesterday however, mainly because I know that I haven't been my self lately, I was not sure if I would handle it in the most adult way. I was worried that I would blow up. So I pre-warned my friend....if I didn't feel I could handle it I would just leave....thinkin that to be more adult then causing unnecessary drama. Well she told me off. No need to word for word it....but it was heartless, and cruel. So I left. I came home and threw my shoes, I kicked a door. I was hurt. It doesn't seem fair that I should always have to be the bigger person. I stomp up the stairs throw myself onto my bed and decide Im done with it. As I roll over towards the nightstand I notice something I haven't paid much attention to. My Military Issue Holy Bible. A gift from a friend who served but doesn't believe. I cherished the book as a symbol of another human's sacrafice for our freedom. How crazy that at this precise moment I realize the book is a symbol of anothers sacrifice for us. Here I am an adult throwing a child like tantrum over being around someone I don't like, when the whole purpose and meaning of our lives is so much bigger than that.
So I have decided to let it all go, live my life to serve, to please, not for the sake of my friends and family, but for the sake of my soul. I believe that if I start living to please and obey the Lord, everything else will just fall into place. I want to make him proud of me. So today I start....living for the lord.
"If you have faith the size of a mustard seed, the lord said, you can say to this mulberry tree, 'be uprooted and planted in the sea', and it will obey you. Luke 17:3